So where do you find a new source of friends and support? First of all, if this is a difficult time for you, don't try to establish a close friendship at all. Wait until you are more comfortable with yourself and your new career decision. But do get out with other people and network in a relaxed way. Go to Chamber of Commerce functions and participate actively in the clubs and societies you belong to. Attend meetings for reentry job-seekers. Contact local support groups. See if any community colleges and/or universities have job-search classes for 50-plus job-seekers. The point is, don't put all your energy into either a new friendship or a romantic relationship right now. You'll need all of it for the job search ahead.
One more word of advice: Remember that no matter how much you need comfort and support, your spouse or significant other did have a full life before your crisis. Don't expect that person to become your Everything. No one is going to rescue you. You have to do it yourself.
Typically, Shock and Denial lasts from two to four weeks. It may be marked by deep anxiety, sleeplessness and a loss of appetite. Your world has just been turned upside down and you feel confused. It may help to talk out your feelings with trusted friends or a caring family member. Eventually, when the phone does not ring, it sinks in that the loss is permanent. With this realization comes Anger-but at least this means you have moved to the next stage on the Loss Curve.
You may be surprised at the extent and power of your anger. Yet anger is a healthy and necessary emotion and one you will need to work through. Occasionally I meet people at my workshops, who are still angry, even months after a forced job separation. From their comments I know they are spending lots of energy plotting revenge and reliving certain scenes. Anger is necessary, but at some point it backfires. If you believe the company has robbed you of the best years of your life, then don't give them any more of your time. Don't waste today by fretting about what happened six months ago.
But at least anger is healthier than lethargy. Anger gets the adrenalin going and challenges you to fight back. How long should you be in this stage? It depends on the length of your involvement and the depth of your commitment to the job you lost. Be forewarned, though: After several months anger can easily turn to bitterness and jade your view of the world. If you become consumed by it, you'll sabotage yourself. Spite will take over, leaving no room for creativity and spontaneity - which is exactly what you need if you want to begin a new life for yourself.
It has been said we utilize only 8 to 10 percent of our brain power or potential. If we expend that 8 to 10 percent on negativism, we can't make anything good happen for ourselves.
Think of someone you know whose marriage failed. That person either rebounded after a few months or a year or has sunk into an angry and bitter life, blaming his or her former spouse for everything that has gone wrong since the divorce. If you find you are angry most of the time and haven't been able to channel that energy into a creative dimension, it's time to seek professional counseling. A good counselor will help you work through the anger so you can get on with your life.
Is there any way to proceed through the Loss Curve more quickly? If you realize your feelings are normal, you'll naturally speed up the process. At least you won't spend the time wondering if you're neurotic. Also, knowing what the curve consists of, where you are on it and where you're headed should help you realize there is life after this ordeal. Beyond that, you just have to give yourself time to allow the healing to occur. It's like the period following surgery: You can be given all the pain pills you want, but most healing just takes time. Some people say a short vacation is useful. Others rely on family and friends. Eating properly, keeping in good physical shape and getting the necessary sleep will also help give you a better outlook on the world.
The lowest point on the Loss Curve is Guilt and Self-Blame because here all the negative feelings come to the fore. Yet this stage is a necessary catharsis and a major player in the healing process. Where the prior two stages focused on "them"-what they did to you-the third stage allows you to look inward and see what part you played in the loss. Obviously, it doesn't make sense to accept all the blame; but it is valuable to reassess the situation impartially and learn what you can from it. When you feel strong enough, it is also useful to solicit feedback from those in the organization who saw what really happened. Whatever part you played in the crisis it's over now. Accept it and learn from it. From this acceptance comes forgiveness. With self-forgiveness comes the potential for true healing and the desire to get on with your life.
Chances are you have already worked through the first three stages and are experiencing Reentry (which is why you are reading this article). But if you find you are still entrenched in Shock and Denial, Anger, or Guilt and Self-Blame, you may want to let some time elapse before tackling this stage. If you cannot afford to give yourself the necessary healing time, be gentle with yourself and don't overload yourself with stressful commitments; take time out for play and be patient. It will get better.
Reentry is fraught with excitement, intrigue, disappointment and risk-taking. It is an exhilarating experience, provided you're ready for it.
The final phase on the Loss Curve is Healed. It may be hard to believe now that within several months you will feel stronger than ever and be a wiser and more sensitive person because of your loss. But it will happen. When I speak of this at my workshops, I get lots of "Sure, Karen" looks, but when it comes together for you, you will feel more accomplished and more in charge than you have in a long time. Will it be worth the loss you've suffered? In retrospect, you'll say, "Yes."
