Denial related to oneself falls into three different categories: Denial of our own abilities, denial of our weaknesses and failures; and denial of the circumstances in which we live and act. Denial traps a person. The solution is to be found in living by the truism, "The truth will set you free." It is common for us as career consultants to work with clients who fail to acknowledge their own abilities. Individuals often spend years feeling that they could do more than they have, and consequently feel vaguely but intensely dissatisfied. They feel they have unused talents, but have never gathered the courage or taken the time to identify those talents.
Some clients with no previous managerial experience become managers after they reflect and examine themselves in depth. Others are secretaries who do not consider themselves able to do anything beyond clerical work, but become highly productive sales people. Still others who were never top managers become company presidents for the first time. One of our classic cases, mentioned earlier, is the man who became a company president for the first time in his life at the age of 63.
The feeling by individuals that they are not using their talents or that they are not being challenged causes erosion of self-confidence. It is a gradual occurrence and is usually ignored. When we suggest to our clients there is evidence that they can aspire to much greater heights, we are frequently told that family and friends have been repeating the same thing for years - but the client has chosen not to believe them
In such cases, we must support our clients in those activities which will help them re-develop (or develop for the first time) an objective, positive self-image. A series of advisors stretching back into childhood (teachers, parents, spouses) suggesting that one could do more, is a good sign that a person could quite literally do so.
It is frustrating and a matter of self-betrayal for a person to suspect that he or she has great talent and not take positive steps to identify it and develop it. This failure to act tears down personal confidence and, in a psychological snowballing effect, makes it ever more difficult for a person to escape the entrapment. The second area of denial has to do with weaknesses. When people don't admit their weaknesses, they can't actively try to shore them up. While it may be difficult to admit our abilities, it is even harder to admit to weaknesses because our all-too-human egos get in the way.
One weakness people don't want to face is a low self-image or lack of self-confidence. It can be quite embarrassing for us to admit that we do not give ourselves credit for capabilities we objectively possess.
Here is an (unusual) example of how this can work against a person:
A man we worked with years ago had made his own fortune in a relatively short period of time. When his wife of 25 to 30 years died, he became morose, fell into depression, lost his entire fortune and ended up homeless. He lived on the street for a few years until he started slowly to heal. While he felt better after he got a job and a place to live, he still had not repaired emotionally. Whenever we addressed the fact that he had not regained his confidence, he angrily denied the idea. It required intense effort to help him admit that the problem remained. Finally, after extensive reflection, he honestly acknowledged his low self-esteem and began a rapid recovery.
It is the weaknesses we are unwilling to face which ultimately control us and hold us back. Unacknowledged, they prevent us from studying how to strengthen or compensate for them. We can find out about our weaknesses in two ways: Listen carefully to our opponents' views of us; or ask (pay) someone to be frank with us.
The third subject of denial is our current circumstances. This is what puts so many square pegs in round holes in our society and causes so many people to simply "put up with" distasteful jobs. We don't want to admit we made a mistake, which we are in the wrong field, that parental insistence that we become lawyers (dentists, doctors, teachers) might have been wrong. We find it hard to admit that we are hurting. One client's wife pointed out to him that for ten years, he had not liked what he was doing. He was at first astonished and maintained that it was only a year or two. She insisted that it was ten years, and he finally acknowledged that she was right.
We have heard people express deep affection for the companies in which they have spent 15 to 20 or more years, but ultimately realize they detested them all that time. We have known others who repeatedly made mistakes and were fired after a series of warnings. After dealing with their anger, they realized that they actually brought it on themselves. Some people deny the family circumstances they grew up in. They don't want to remember the abuses that were perpetrated on them by parents, siblings and teachers.
All of these forces remain buried in the subconscious. They persist as subtle but enormous weaknesses.
It is hard to admit that our career situations are less than perfect; our fears and various social pressures force us to find contentment in what we have - or at least put up with it. The majority of us conclude that since we cannot decide what else to do we will simply continue to do what we have been doing. Or we retain superficial help (including preference tests, a few college courses, a workshop) which will confirm the decision to make no real changes.
Denial is one of the most difficult problems that people face in life. If you are in a denial mode, you will never take care of the problem. The keynote is clear, honest awareness of what we are, what we're good at, what we're not good at. The truth, clearly perceived in this fashion, will make any of us free in our career choices and actions.
